HERE is the top joke in the US:
Two men are playing golf when one sees a funeral procession pass the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap and prays.
His friend says: Thats the most thoughtful and touching thing I ever saw.
The first man replies: Well, we were married 35 years.
Here is the top joke in Australia:
A woman tells the doctor: "I looked in the mirror and my hair was all frazzled, my skin was wrinkled, my eyes were bloodshot and my face looked corpse-like. What's wrong?"
The doctor look at her for a minute, then says: "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
HERE is the top joke in Belgium:
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.
HERE is the top joke in Northern Ireland:
A doctor says to his patient: I have bad news and worse news. Firstly, you have only 24 hours to live.
Patient: Thats terrible, how can it possibly get worse?
Doctor: Ive been trying to reach you since yesterday.
HERE is the top joke in Canada:
When Nasa first sent up astronauts they found ballpoint pens wouldnt work in zero gravity.
Scientists spent 12billion dollars developing a pen that worked in zero gravity, upside down, under water, on any surface and in freezing temperatures. The Russians used a pencil.
HERE is the top joke in Germany:
A general noticed a soldier behaving oddly, picking up a piece of paper, frowning and saying: Thats not it, before putting it down.
The general arranged for the soldier to have psychological tests, which showed that he was deranged.
So the general wrote out a discharge form. The soldier picked it up and said: Thats it!
HERE is the top joke in England:
Two weasels are sitting in a bar when one starts to insult the other, screaming: I slept with your mother!
The bar goes quiet while everyone listens for the reply.
The other weasel says: Go home, Dad, youre drunk.
HERE is the top joke in Wales:
A tortoise in New York was mugged by a gang of snails.
When a detective asked him what had happened, he replied: I dont know, it all happened so fast.
Here is the top joke in Scotland:
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.